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I discovered what should be a new Olympic event while in the dressing room of my local Kohls:

Trying on "shapewear" - those items that go by strange names like Spanx (Snap would more aptly describe the product), Assets (emphasis on ass, methinks!) and Flexees (ain't nuthin' ez about them!) Who created these things anyway?

They are like large rubberbands and should come with warning labels. They don't wanna go up, and they don't wanna be pulled down. They cut off circulation, strain your muscles (which ironically if you had, well...) and attempt to strangle your neck whilst causing permanent damage to your already damaged ego...

But, but, BUTT: if you manage to actually get into one of the contraptions without having it twang out of the dressing room, well, it feels kinda good. Kinda like when you were in your twenties and had Muscle Tone! Ooooh, remember those days?

So, of course, I bought two items! Both hold me up and slim me down. One is a bra that goes to my waist, and the other is a bra that goes all the way down to THERE if you know what I mean. I'm a little concerned that I might put my eye out with the latter when I try to rehook it in the restroom. A challenge made all the more dangerous with bifocals...

But, hey, I'll give up an eye for the opportunity to rid myself, albeit temporarily, of unsightly bulges. And with one eye, the lumps that remain will be harder to see!

It has occurred to me, though, that it just might be easier to go to the gym than get in and out of my new garb.

And much less dangerous.

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